Go big or go home: choosing our ketubah text

So I love ketubahs, i.e. Jewish marriage contracts. I think they’re beautiful, and I love the culture of creating works of art out of these contracts that families can display in their homes, so that they are constantly present in our lives and we are constantly reminded of the “bigger picture”. Recently the mister and I started looking at ketubah designs to try and decide what we wanted for ourselves, but we immediately realised that before we can settle on a design, we need to settle on a text. What we want our ketubah to say will influence the choices we have in terms of design, and obviously the former is a bit more of a priority than the latter.

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The traditional Orthodox ketubah text is problematic–as Orthodox Jewish marriage involves the groom effectively purchasing the bride with the wedding ring, the ketubah then sets out her “rights” so to speak, and what is owed to her. That ain’t the symbolism I’m into. Also, no one actually sticks to the archaic promises therein anymore although most still use the text, so I find it weird that we’re all signing marriage contracts that we don’t intend to keep. My mom and dad have an Orthodox ketubah and my mom teases my dad regularly that she’s still waiting on her silver zuzim. As I’ve said before, Orthodox rituals have never bothered me when I’ve seen them in the weddings of others, but I am too neurotic to deal with them myself; I am perhaps unhealthily fixated on symbolism and making sure that every word of every. single. thing. I. do. is meaningful. It’s a little bit over the top.

The various Jewish denominantions have made many changes to ketubah texts over the years, the most notable being the Lieberman clause, which adds a bit in to the text allowing either party to ask a Jewish court to adjudicate a  potential divorce. This is done because in traditional Jewish law, a man has to agree to a divorce for it to go through, thus stranding a lot of women stuck in miserable marriages. The Lieberman clause gives women another recourse.

Anyway, if you stroll over to one of the big ketubah-selling websites like ketubah.com, you’ll see that there are now a million and one ketubah texts for every possible kind of person–reform ketubahs, interfaith ketubahs, humanistic ketubahs, etc. Texts vary widely. When we asked our rabbi about what text to choose, his instructions were simple–he didn’t care what we used so long as it was honest. As we’re having an interfaith wedding, he wasn’t ok with anything that implied that we were both bound by Jewish law, for example, as most traditional ketubahs do when they say things like “according to the laws of Moses and Israel”. Fair enough.

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So we started browsing, and we actually had a really hard time! We’ve discovered during the process of planning this wedding that we’re very “go big or go home!” kind of people when it comes to doing Jewish stuff, and while we may reject the traditional, such as the Orthodox Ketubah, we don’t go all the way in the opposite direction. What we like about Orthodox ketubahs is that they are specific legal contracts (that no one follows). What we didn’t like about a lot of the newer stuff is that it was more airy fairy and lovey dovey and says lovely things but doesn’t have nearly as much teeth as the old school version. I want a marriage contract dammit!

Then we both had our “eureka!” moment; as our wedding will be a version of Rachel Adler’s feminist/egalitarian Brit Ahuvim ceremony, why not look at her re-written ketubah text? It would certainly be consistent. And sure enough, there it was, the perfect “go big or go home!” egalitarian ketubah. It is a hardcore, sink your teeth in it, contract to end all contracts, with an impressive basis in Jewish theology, but perfectly in line with our values. The mister called it “heavy” at first, but then he reflected that maybe “heavy” was what we wanted. I love the way in which it represents precedents for different relationships, is gender neutral, and I love its references to social justice. We are total Rachel Adler groupies. The only catch is that I have not cleared it with our rabbi yet, and I can see how he would be concerned that it might be too explicitly based in Jewish law for an intermarriage, but I am hoping that he will be sympathetic–it is deeply “Jewish” in nature but it at no point implies that both partners are Jewish. We certainly see ourselves as entering into a Jewish marriage despite the mister’s agnosticism, so we feel ok with phrases like “establish a household among the people of Israel”. We hope that the rabbi will agree. Here is the full text of the Brit Ahuvim ketubah (it’s lengthy!):

On the ________day of the week, the ________day of the month of ________, in the year ________, corresponding to the ________day of ________, ________, here in ________, the bride/groom/partner/spouse/lover , ________, son/daughter of ________, and the bride/groom/partner/spouse/lover, ________, daughter/son of ________confirm in the presence of witnesses a lovers’ covenant between them and declare a partnership to establish a household among the people of Israel.
This agreement into which ________ and ________ are entering is a holy convenant like the ancient covenants of our people, made in faithfulness and peace to stand forever. It is a covenant of protection and hope like the covenant God swore to Noah and his descendants, saying,
When the bow is in the clouds, I will see it and remember the everlasting covenant between God and all living creatures, all flesh that is on earth. That, God said to Noah, shall be the sign of the covenant that I have established between me and all flesh. It is a covenant of distinction, like the covenant God made with Israel, saying, You shall be my people, and I shall be your God.
It is a covenant of devotion, joining hearts like the covenant David and Jonathan made, as it is said:
And Jonathan’s soul was bound up with the soul of David. Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself.
It is a covenant of mutual loving kindness like the wedding covenant between God and Zion, as it is said,
I will espouse you forever. I will espouse you with righteousness and justice and loving kindness and compassion. I will espouse you in faithfulness and you shall know God.

The following are the provisions of the lovers’ covenant into which bride/groom/spouse and bride/groom/spouse now enter:
________and ________declare that they have chosen each other as companions, as our rabbis teach:
Get yourself a companion. This teaches that a person should get a companion to eat with, drink with, to study with, to sleep with, to confide all one’s secrets, secrets of Torah and secrets of worldly things.
________and ________declare that they are setting themselves apart for each other and will take no other lover. ________and ________hereby assume all the rights and obligations that apply to family members: to attend, care, and provide for one another

1. and for any children with which they may be blessed. (optional)!

2. and for ________, child/children of ________. (optional)

________and ________commit themselves to a life of kindness and righteousness as a Jewish family and to work together toward the communal task of mending the world. ________and ________pledge that one will help the other at the time of dying, by carrying out the last rational requests of the dying partner, protecting each other from indignity or abandonment and by tender, faithful presence with the beloved until the end, fulfilling what has been written:
“Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is stronger than death.”
To this covenant we affix our signatures:

This is what I’m talking about, people! Go big or go home.