True story: back when I was a doe-eyed little 21-year-old, I got my first “social work” related job, doing night shifts at a local women’s shelter for victims of domestic violence. The nights were hard but otherwise I loved the job, and it was, in many ways, where I first started listening to people’s stories.
My parents at the time were proud of my do-gooder nature, but this new job also worried them for the bizarrest of reasons. The shelter was in a kind of out of the way location, so often one of them would be so kind as to pick me up when my shift ended at 8:00am, and drive me home. During one of these first drives, my father said to me that proud as he was, he was concerned about my spending so much time around such marital misery–how would I ever want to get married when I was being exposed to such awful examples of the institution? He gave me a long lecture about how good men in the world do exist, and about how marriage is a worthwhile thing to get into. A week later, it was my mom giving me the lift, and she gave me the exact same talk. They were so stressed out that this job was going to turn me off of marriage completely!
Well, two shelters for domestic violence, two shelters for homeless women, and one rape crisis hotline later, I am mere weeks away from marrying my beloved. And as I said to my parents on those exhausted mornings: if anything, having been exposed to the worst that’s out there has taught me an amazing amount about what to look for in a relationship, and what real, healthy love is. I’ve definitely had to work through some of the more horrifying stories I’ve heard during my time with women in difficulty, but I don’t see love or marriage as something that exists in a sunshine and lollipops world divorced from reality–my understanding of love is only stronger for how directly I have stared at its abuse. (Full disclosure–I am not a survivor of any of the above myself, and so I don’t mean to sound cavalier about how I understand or have experienced anything. I am just reflecting on the thousands of hours I have spent listening to these stories.)
I mentioned a while back that one of our wedding readings will be from bell hooks’ All About Love. I picked this book up a few months ago as I was contemplating feminist understandings of love. In particular, I was feeling really antsy about how those of us who are tirelessly political and critical of contemporary wedding culture seem to come off as cold or unromantic or as cynical about love. Feminism has played a major role in my sense of self since I was about 14 years old, and I feel quite strongly that it has made me the opposite of cynical. This is hooks’ point in her book (that I actually have a lot of reservations about, but I vehemently agree with its main premise): a love that is concerned with justice, egalitarianism and respect for each other; one that is given with care and selflessness; that is about honesty and acceptance; one that is political in the most sincere and hopeful way; that is the most powerful kind of love and a sort that should be nurtured as an antidote to late capitalist loneliness and malaise.
I am a painfully sentimental, embarrassingly romantic person. I feel like I am often perceived as the opposite, because I am critical of things like contemporary wedding “traditions”. I am lucky that I have not encountered this chauvinism thanks to living in a place where keeping your name is the norm, but I am constantly reading online about how women who will not change their surnames are seen as less committed, less romantic, putting ideology above family, etc. Women who value their independence within relationships are clearly less loving; brides who feel strongly about marriage equality are “too political” and about as romantic as a sack of potatoes. Because I feel no attachment to objects such as veils or garters I clearly am less engaged in the process of being a “bride” and less excited about the commitment that I am about to make. Women who don’t particularly feel strongly about that cliched moment when the bride walks down the aisle and the groom looks at her for the first time are clearly cold as ice.
I think that if we accept these social constructs as legitimate means of assessing love, then yeah, feminists like me are in trouble. But being anti-Hallmark doesn’t make you anti-love, or even anti-romance. What I adore about thinkers like bell hooks is that they’re going, “Hey, wait a minute. I care about love too–I just think it doesn’t mean what you guys think it means. I think it means this–equality/commitment/friendship/justice/trust/acceptance/kindness/generosity/etc.” I have always hated the rhetoric that chastises “political” brides for bringing such unpleasant stuff up when it comes to weddings; my politics make me a more engaged, more thoughtful, more proactive lover. My politics make me contemplate the ethics of love and the ethics of marriage, and me and my relationship are the better for it.
Being critical of mainstream understandings of love makes me a more committed lover. Trying to think profoundly, with my partner, of the kind of love that we would like to nourish within our relationship is incredibly rewarding and, if you ask me, pretty damn romantic. I think feminism is capable of rewriting our understandings of love in pretty powerful ways, but also in pretty challenging ways (see: egalitarianism and privilege), which is perhaps why it’s easier to see us feminist lovers as ice queens. In the meantime, when I think about the small family that I have slowly started to build with my mister, my heart just about bursts wide open; somehow, I don’t feel very cold at all.
reading hooks’ book was really great for me. I actually bought it as a valentine’s day present for a girlfriend who broke up with me before I could give it to her! At any rate, one of the definitions i remember of love is the *mutual* committment to growth. If it’s not *mutual* its not love. It’s something else, maybe equally important, interesting and profound, but not *love*. That’s been really helpful to me over the years. Being a social worker and a feminist, this post really resonated with me. Thanks!
This post is fantastic! I’ve read bell hooks’ and found it thought provoking… but like you I didn’t agree on many points.. but overall very interesting.
We just recently moved ‘home’ from Montréal/BC (Canada) and the east coast has been an adjustment on so many levels- being engaged and planning a wedding are two. I’ve had to compromise- i.e. dad walking me down the aisle and ‘giving’ me away- it’s soooo important to him, so we’ll have to figure out a way to word it more like ‘presenting me’ or something.
Also- the keeping the name thing- I’ve gotten flak from other brides… as though i’m judging THEM for changing their name (when I really couldn’t care less). Having to deal with ‘well what name is your child going to have?’ questions is also very annoying. I really would like for my child to have my last name… why not? one with mine, one with his (wow- two kids… ACK). In Montréal this wouldn’t have been an issue- it costs MONEY to change your name, so people don’t do it.
I will have to look into hooks’ book on love…
I am a feminist, and I am romantic
It’s a lovely post.
Oh yes. I am a thinking person–why would I not think through a ritual that is important to me? The amount of thought I am putting into every piece of it, the depth of the ritual, is what makes it romantic, not the Disney princess aspects. Our wedding and the meaningful moments in it are uniquely shaped to us–how is that anything but romantic?
As always, love the post. Thanks for being you, I hope you know your readers appreciate it more than we can say.
thanks for this post. It’s great.
Brilliant post. In fact I think I’m going to go and read it again.
Great post! I loved what you said about feminism, weddings, and romance. Wonderfully put!
Exactly!
And don’t worry, it won’t stop. Remember, I come from the extreme rightist South, so when I went to college, some of my friends thought it was so strange that a feminist like me actually LIKED and WANTED children, and more than that was considering working part time when I have them eventually. Yup, being a feminist automatically means I hate men and children and don’t want to have a part in either.
Around many of my friends, Feminism was a word spat out like an insult. It was so weird coming from an egalitarian family that said I could do anything a boy could. I was obsessed with princesses and my little pony and Rainbow Brite along with all the other little girls.
I love all of the nods in agreement. I think we are a very loving bunch!
And Desaray, I’m glad to hear from someone else who has read the book–yeah, this utopian ideal she describes for love is kind of amazing, and I also appreciate her “hey, we can feel a lot of powerful things like care, but they’re not all love.” Again, I can only think that thinking through things as critically and seriously as her will make us all better lovers.
Intrestingly that you should mention the issue of name-shanging in the context of a feminist/progressive discourse. Far more than experiencing criticism for changing my name, my “community” consists of strong amazing women – the majority of whom have not or will not change their names. I often feel that I have to apologise for my decision to take Rooster’s name as it’s not feminist enough! Ultimately I will continue to use my current surname in a professional context (mainly for convenience, but also to avoid any “weak woman” judgement from colleagues), but will adopt the new one in social situations and will gradually move to only using Rooster’s surname over time.
It’s really interesting seeing how independent, strong women (and their partners) are dealing with love and marriage in today’s society and the practical considerations that surround that – thanks for opening the discussion.
Apologies for the various spelling and typing mistakes in that previous comment – I obviously didn’t self-edit before submitting…
What a brilliant post, wedding culture, hallmark culture have nothing to do with love. I too feel that people don’t think I’m a romantic loving person because I don’t accept these cultures, the same with say romantic films. It’s just not love to me.
[...] is unusual, perhaps, about my position (as I have come to realise after reading this post at accordions and lace and the comments thereto), is that at times I feel a tad embarrassed about [...]
Yes. Yes. Yes.
We are both changing our name to a hyphenation because it helps to mend the world from the rifts created by patriarchy. What about the children? They get to decide for themselves. We’ll have left them with all sorts of options.
[...] like me, he does not get classed as the most romantic person in the world. I know otherwise. We’re [...]
::running out and buying that book!::
Fantastic Post.